Girl Lost In The Labyrinth

The thoughts and experiences of a newly single girl lost in the maze of love and dating.

Girls judging other girls.

We are all guilty of it. We’re out and we see a pretty girl we don’t know and we don’t give her the benefit of the doubt and think, wow she’s stunning, bet she’s a really smart and nice too. We judge her – we may pick apart her outfit and decide it is ‘slutty’ or decide she’s wearing too much makeup/has over styled her hair. Why? Simply because we are jealous.

This topic – of girls judging other girls – has been on my mind recently. I saw a girl post a rant where she said how annoying it was that a girl judged her when she was talking to a guy when in fact she has a boyfriend and she’d known this guy for years blah blah blah. All fine. Until the part where she mentioned something about being the type of girl who wore trousers and a t shirt instead of hot pants and a crop top, and that was a reason why she shouldn’t be judged by the girl. Now hold on. That one comment undermined her whole argument – she was essentially judging girls who wear clothes like that, saying she wasn’t ‘like that’ because she didn’t wear those clothes.

Just because you wear certain clothes, doesn’t make you a certain person. Wearing shorts and a crop top doesn’t make you a ‘slut’, and it doesn’t mean that you should be looked down upon. Girls have the freedom to wear whatever they choose. As long as they are doing it for the right reasons (i.e. for themselves, not because they think guys will like them better for it), there is absolutely no problem. Wear your combat trousers or jeans or a prison jumpsuit for all I care, and I won’t judge you. But please don’t judge girls like me who, in summer or on a night out, like to get dressed up and feel good about myself.

Wearing shorts and a crop top doesn’t mean you’ll be easier to sleep with. It doesn’t mean you’ve been with more guys. It doesn’t mean you’re not smart or intelligent. It doesn’t even mean that you’re confident. It is you exercising your right to wear what you want and express yourself through what you wear.

By making a comment like she did, the girl inadvertently made it okay for guys to look down upon girls who wear shorter/tighter clothes. There’s always debate about girls ‘asking for’ or ‘encouraging’ rape by wearing provocative clothing. This makes me exceedingly angry. A girl should not be judged – by guys or girls – as being a ‘certain type of person’, based on the fact she may wear shorts and a little top.

I know we can’t help judgement – it’s human nature – and the post probably didn’t mean to be hypercritical, she was probably just trying to defend herself and prove her point. But it did show that girls do judge other girls based on what they wear, and label them as a ‘certain type’. Girls, we gotta stick together! Wear what you want and don’t judge others for it – at the end of the day it’s jealousy and bitterness fuelling that judgment.

If girls think it’s okay to label a girl as a ‘certain type’ and talk down about them based upon what they wear, it makes it okay for guys to do the same, and that’s where it gets dangerous. So the next time you see a girl wearing an outfit that may seem questionable to you, don’t judge her and label her as a ‘slut’, be thankful that we have that freedom to wear whatever we want. Judgment clouds that freedom – don’t be a cloud.

It’s all in the mind

It’s the worst feeling to be thinking about someone who just clearly isn’t thinking about you. To know you’re not even on their radar when they are all that is on yours, is rather depressing.

The other night I had a ‘relapse’ I suppose, of thinking about J. This was the guy who I really fell for, who took me out, seemed to like me, seemed to be a gentleman, and then blanked me for a month etc etc. The guy who barely acknowledges my existence now. It really sucks to think about someone like that. Someone who treated you really badly, who blanked you at a mutual friend’s party. Speaking of that party, it was the bar I went to the other night (the same as at that party) which made me think of him. I’ve tried so hard to banish him from my mind, to automatically place him in the ‘don’t touch: complete and utter dick’ category. Yet the other night, he crept back into my thoughts. It was infuriating. I kept imagining him walking in, apologising for everything and telling me he wanted to make it up to me. I contemplated texting him (I didn’t thank goodness), and convinced myself that he didn’t treat me that badly. He did.

The reality is that he is not thinking about me. Probably never was. But it’s also true that the guy in my head isn’t him. It’s a better version of him – the kind of guy he’ll never be. Bottom line is, he’s just not a very nice person, yet in my head I excuse his behaviour and imagining him grovelling and showering me with affection. That’s never going to happen. The guy in my head isn’t real. The real J is, quite frankly, a douche who evidently does not like me and also, isn’t really worth my time. The J I like is a figment of my imagination. I’ve created him to be better than he is. That’s the reality.

Hopefully someday I’ll meet someone who is exactly the same in my imagination as he is in reality. One day, perhaps. Seeing as it’s not going to be J, it’s high time I accepted that the J I like does not exist. The real J isn’t worth my time.

Everyone seems to be with someone

This is a recent realisation. But practically everyone my age (19) who wants to be in a relationship, appears to be in one. My two best friends from uni both have boyfriends, most of my home friends do too. I guess I just feel a little taken aback. When we were younger it was always me who had someone, who was in a relationship because I wanted to be. And now suddenly I’m the single friend among a sea of couples. I’m not bitter, I’m not jealous. I suppose I just feel a little lonely. It’s not that I want to be with someone – I know I probably could be if I wanted to. I’m just not used to having no one. And sure, I have guys I can talk to who I quite like, but no one super special who gets my heart racing, who gives me butterflies. There’s no one who I really really want. I suppose when I zoom out a little, I’ve spent most of my teenage years wanting someone – First Love – who I could never have. Now we’re friends, and I’m past all that – he no longer makes my heart race and my spine tingle. At uni I wanted J, or M, or whoever else didn’t want me at the time. And now I’m home for the holidays, I’m forced to focus on myself. And I know what I want – I don’t want to settle so I want to be happy by myself until the right one comes along. Until my heart skips a beat, my insides ache and my stomach jingles with butterflies at the sight of him. I’m prepared to wait for that. I suppose it’s just dawning on me that it’s probably going to be a while before I find that. And that’s fine. I’ve always wanted to learn how to be truly independent – happy by myself. But the truth is I’ve never achieved that. And I am a little lonely. I just don’t really know how to feel. I know what I want, I’m prepared to wait, but it’s just adjusting to that and accepting that realistically I’m going to be ‘the single friend’ for the foreseeable future.

Holiday Romance…

There’s something about meeting someone on holiday. Under that clear blue sky, on a balmy summer evening when the worries and stresses of everyday life have long melted away in the embrace of the sunshine.

The reality that you only have a finite amount of time with them makes it all the more intense, means it tumbles quickly into something more. There’s no time for dating, no time to take things slow when you only have a week and he’s already seen you in your bikini…

It’s romantic. As someone once said, love is only romantic when it cannot be. The tragic element of loss, of inevitable separation, creates the romance. You may not agree, but I think it does have a certain element of truth. Furthering the romantic intensity is the fact that you’ll always remember it through rose tinted glasses (even more so than usual in my case) – how can you resist with the background of a beach, bright warm sunshine and cocktails in the light summer breeze?

So you may have guessed that I had a holiday romance a few weeks ago whilst on holiday with some friends. I’ll call him HR (Holiday Romance). He was the nicest guy I have met in a while. And I mean genuinely nice. Cute, funny, attractive, and not a dick. I, of course, was on guard, but he was sweet. Ok he didn’t do all the things my imagination wished in vain for, but what guy does?

On the first night my friend told me he liked me, that he thought I was lovely. This made me smile seeing as he was cute and I thought I may be reading the sings wrong. I thought in comparison to my friend he would never choose me. But nevertheless, throughout that first evening, dancing in the sea at a beach club, we sidled closer. Holding hands and shy smiles quickly transgressed to sitting and chatting and then kissing. He was very nice to kiss. We spent the evening talking, dancing and kissing on the beach. The only thing missing was some stars.

The next day we all went out together for the day. I’ve always wanted to go mopeding with someone I fancy. Box ticked. It was every bit as I had imagined – my arms around his waist (holding onto him unnecessarily tightly but what the hell, when there’s an excuse to wrap your arms round a hot guy, it would be rude not to), my hair blowing in the wind (probably a tragic sight in reality but in my head my hair is the perfect side of windswept and I far prefer that image) and him driving safely and making sure I was okay.

The next evening was the best. We found an amazing chilled beach bar with beanbags and fire throwers. HR and I shared a bucket of drink – sounds stupid but when you’re 19 and someone shyly asks if you’d like to share a bucket of vodka and coke (letting you choose of course), that is cute. We lay there on the beanbags, talking and joking, both getting to the stage before tipsy – that stage when life is just a little brighter, or maybe that wasn’t the drink at all. The stars were out this time, and John Legend’s song All of Me played. Safe to say it was a magical evening. We slept together that night. The first time in forever and the sex actually went well! it worked! And it was good. I needed that, I needed someone to prove to me that the problem isn’t me, to renew my faith in sex after A and D. HR certainly did that. He told me he would be at breakfast the next morning at 9.30 and we could spend some more time together. I told him I’d be there, and he said he didn’t believe me but he would be there hoping I showed. So after he had left, I set my alarm, and despite only getting a few hours sleep I woke up and made my way down to breakfast alone, nervously hoping he would be there but resigning myself to the fact that he probably wouldn’t be. I walked into the cafeteria and there he was, sitting there alone, waiting for me. A truly nice guy. One who keeps his word. One who wakes up for a 9.30 breakfast just to spend more time with you. Rare.

He had already eaten and suggested that as the food wasn’t great, we head out somewhere to find some breakfast for me. Out we strolled, hand in hand, and found a random restaurant near the beach which served a pretty bad ‘Continental breakfast’ which essentially consisted of toast and jam. But I didn’t care. He had kept his word and that means more than anything.

Later that day, after chilling by the pool with the others, we planned to go to the beach together but got sidetracked… As we lay together, he asked if he would see me again after he left. I said that depended on him. He told me he didn’t want to seem to keen, but he would like to. I told him I’d like to too.

That was his last night. It was a little disappointing as I didn’t really see him and of course imagined how he might come looking for me, how he might turn up at my hotel room like a knight in shining armour. But in reality, my expectations are high and he is just a 19 year old guy without the confidence and thought to do such a thing. After a communication failure meaning that he didn’t get my message about a final walk on the beach, he left the next morning with his friends. Before going, he asked me to come with him to grab something from the shops. We walked, hand in hand, and he told me he was sad to leave me. We kissed a little more and it seemed mutually understood that we would tentatively both like to see each other again back home. After he hugged me goodbye and left with his friends, I did something I rarely do over guys. I felt tears prick the back of my eyes and trickle down my face. I may get upset and annoyed about guys but I rarely cry over them. The feeling of involuntary tears is a reflection of vulnerability. I tried to keep my guard up with HR, and I managed it to some extent – I didn’t fall head over heels; I didn’t let myself – but I cried when he left. Just in that moment but I did.

We have messaged a bit since I’ve been back – he’s still away – and we have said we’d like to see each other. I would like to see him. But I’m not getting my hopes up, I am not getting hurt again. I’ll believe it when I see it, if he actually follows through. For now, I’ll remember those few days together more than fondly. It may be through rose tinted glasses but what the hell – it is one of the only experiences I’ve had recently which hasn’t crashed and burned with me barely clinging on. The picture may be tinted by the sun, the beach, the clear blue sea, cocktails and romantic evenings on the beach, but the tint was real, not imagined.

Lessons from a Fresher

So my first year of university has come to an end (cry), and I think it’s safe to say that I’ve learnt a few lessons in the guy department. I am in no way an expert, but here are a few tentative pointers that I have learnt the hard way.

1) Don’t make the mistake of believing someone who tells you they like you when they’re drunk.

  • I always thought that when a guy plucked up the courage to tell you he likes you, he must really mean it. Turns out, no. Oh how wrong I was! Turns out that once the alcohol is in, the meaning in what they say is out. They won’t even remember the mushy stuff they told you about how you’re so attractive and lovely and how they’ve always liked you. You will. That’s the worst because you will feel all warm and fuzzy and flattered, and will treasure the lovely things they told you, and they won’t have the faintest clue about the fake feelings they confessed to you. Don’t believe him until he proves it. And even if his actions seem to show it (A), put him through his paces until you really trust in him that he is telling the truth and not purely trying to get in your pants. Cynical it may seem but it’s amazing the things guys can get away with saying and doing, the extent they can lead you on for it to come crashing down.

2) Don’t expect a guy at university to want anything more than something purely casual.

  • This is a tricky one. All the signs tells you he likes you and is interested in you. He asks you out for drinks and to be his date for a public event (J and D), he texts you, comes to see you when he can (A) and you talk about fairly personal, deep things. But no. He is a 19/20 year old guy in his first year of university. I appreciate not all guys are like this but certainly the ones I have come into contact with this year are only after something casual. They want sex to put it plainly. And the thing is they can get it. They can play their games, lead you on, make you think they are really into you, and then BAM comes the ‘I’m really sorry, you’re a lovely girl but I just don’t want a relationship right now’. Yeah? Then why bother putting in the groundwork in the first place?

3) Don’t expect much or get your expectations up.

  • Yes this is pessimistic and cynical. But it’s true. For me anyway. I do expect a lot from people – I expect them to act like I would like to think I would act in that situation – to not lead me on or mess me around. My imagination will run wild with all the romantic things I would do if I was a guy who liked a girl – turning up at my door, leaving notes in my pigeon hole, coming to find me no matter what on a night out, not giving up. Unfortunately this is not very realistic. This is what happens in the movies, not in real life. In reality you are just another girl he doesn’t care that much about, so don’t expect him to proclaim his feelings for you on your doorstep and to refuse to let you go – this isn’t Romeo and Juliet, it’s university.

4) Don’t waste your time thinking about people who quite frankly aren’t thinking about you.

  • A guy will show an interest and my imagination will take off. He will take over my thoughts and daydreams. But to him I’m probably just another girl he’s texting who he isn’t really that bothered about. You don’t want to spend your time thinking and daydreaming about someone who can hardly remember to text you back or who can’t even be bothered to take you out on a date. No. It’s harder than it sounds not to think about these people but you have to ask yourself this – will this guy matter in a year’s time? Chances are you will look back in amusement and embarrassment when reminded about the time you wasted on some jackass.

5) 19/20 year olds aren’t men, they’re boys.

  • You would think, wouldn’t you, after high school, that boys would grow up and become intelligent, mature and functional human beings when at university. Unfortunately this is not the case. They most likely will not have the guts to be honest with you about what they want or don’t want (M), they will lead you on and be complete arseholes (J), and if a miracle occurs and they do man up and give you the courtesy of being honest, most likely they will still be as awkward as hell when you next see them and forever afterwards (A). This isn’t because of you. It’s because they are too immature to recognise that what they are doing and how they are acting and making you feel isn’t acceptable. Feel free to tell them that as someone bloody well needs to!

6) Getting with someone in your lectures/accommodation is not a good idea.

  • It may seem like a great idea at first – what could be better than bumping into the person you like at lectures/around where you live? They can easily pop over, you can see them more often – yay 🙂 Well it’s all fun and games until it all goes belly up, and then it becomes the most awkward thing ever. You tiptoe around willing not to spy them around the next corner, and end up bumping into them on the ONE DAY you venture out without makeup and not having showered for a few days (…it was exam term, honest) – A. You may also see them EVERY DAY in lectures at 9am when you are tired and hungover from the night before, when all they can see is a deeply unattractive side profile view of you staring blankly at your laptop screen, shoving a cereal bar and coffee down your throat in a  desperate attempt to stay awake for the duration of the lecture. Not ideal – J. Many an awkward situation has arisen from such a bright idea turned tragically wrong. It may be tempting but proceed with caution.

 

I have had a fantastic year at university, and it has definitely been a roller coaster guy-wise. There have been ups and downs and various fleeting whirlwinds I have had the pleasure and then disappointment of being caught up in. I don’t regret anything; there are things I would perhaps do differently but who wouldn’t with the benefit of hindsight. It’s sad that the main lesson I have learnt is essentially not to trust people. Not to let my guard down too quickly and be too quick to believe in the good in people. Because more often than not, it ends up with me being the loser. Dating is a game at university, I wish it wasn’t but it is. It may be a pain in the arse but you can be sure as hell I will be far better equipped to play next year with lessons learnt from numerous disastrous romantic endeavours!

 

Man Up

It’s funny isn’t it, how you can go from being so close to someone, to knowing everything going on in their life, to confiding in them things you’ve barely admitted to yourself. How you can go from that point, to them barely acknowledging your existence. I mean, maybe it’s just me, but I can’t switch off caring about someone, caring about what’s going on in their life, just like that. Evidently some guys can.

I know this seems a dramatic introduction considering the focus of this is in fact A, but although we only spent 2 weeks ish talking and getting together, it was an intense 2 weeks. When you’re 19 and at university seeing people all the time, when they can just drop by whenever, things move quickly. And so they did. 

I’ve seen him twice – if you can call it that – since he broke things off. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not overly bothered by this one, I’m just annoyed and feel led on by him. After all, it was him initiating and persuading me it was a good idea and then BAM I end up essentially dumped – how the hell did that happen?! Anyway.

1) I walked into the cafe to buy some milk and I see him standing at the counter. My heart starts beating super fast and I feel hot and faint – this is the first time I’ve seen him since he broke things off and seeing as he is a friendly guy, I have been playing through this moment and expecting it to be fine. I mean it is fine isn’t it, we had a 2 week thing, yes it was intense and whatever but he’s chilled and I’ve had worse let downs. Turns out no, things are not fine. He walks past me, goes bright red and awkwardly says ‘Hey’ before walking past. 

Lets just pause for a moment. I mean what the actual F. We SLEPT together and he told me it was fine, that neither of us are awkward people. I trusted him on that. And then all I get is a bloody awkward ‘Hey’ and that’s it. It’s exam season so there’s no excuse for lack of small talk – I’ve asked people I haven’t seen since freshers how their exams are going because it’s POLITE when you bump into something. But NO, not even a ‘How’s it going’ or ‘Can’t stop to chat but hope you’re exams are going well’. Nope. Just an awkward ‘Hey’. Not impressed A. 

2) Seeing him for the second time was perhaps even more insulting. I was with my friend walking to dinner and we bump into him. He says ‘Hey’ awkwardly to us and walks past before turning round and saying to MY FRIEND, who he HARDLY KNOWS, something about us finishing our exams. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU, I’M RIGHT HERE. More than anything it is just plain rude. I am not making this awkward – it doesn’t have to be – but now it bloody is. 

I don’t get what the big deal is – yes it’s a slightly awkward situation between us. But that is not an invitation to make it even more awkward! Now I dread bumping into him. It didn’t have to be like that. So thanks A. Thanks for being such a douche bag. I trusted you, trusted that whatever happened between us would work out okay because you’re a nice, friendly, chilled guy. Obviously I was wrong. My bad. But I refuse to let you make me feel like the problem is me. It’s not A, it’s you. All it would’ve taken was a ‘How’s it going’, or a text to ask if exams were going okay. That’s all it would’ve taken to make the transition to friendship a smooth one. But no. You had to make it excruciatingly awkward didn’t you.

MAN UP.

The need for approval

I was talking with one of my friends earlier when we stumbled upon a conversation concerning confidence. I was painfully insecure in my early to mid teens – I bad fairly bad skin and was incredibly self conscious, especially about my body. I had always been skinny but I was convinced I wasn’t skinny enough/good enough which led to a whole load of issues I won’t delve into now. The point about this is that my confidence, the little I had anyway, depended on what people told me. Especially guys. The sad truth is that despite almost completely getting past the body issues, and despite the fact I am no longer a shy, insecure 14 year old with bad skin and glasses, I still depend on a compliment to feel good about myself. 

I will be sky high when things are going well with a guy, when they tell me they like me, that I’m pretty, that I have a nice body. But the moment it goes tits up, or they don’t reply for a day or something, or I hear something negative, I’m right back down again, wondering what’s wrong with me, what have I don’t, why don’t they like me. It’s pathetic I know, and it’s something that as a 19 year old girl in her first year of university, I need to get past. Thinking about it all makes it all make sense though.

I was the first of my group of friends to have my first kiss, and I had had sex before most of them had even kissed a boy (all girls school problems!) I had my first kiss when I was 13 with First Love, saw him every year for a week on summer camp, ‘dated’ him on and off and lost my virginity to him at 16. In between him I dated G, the ‘cool’ guy on the water polo team in the year above me. I was a shy nobody in Year 10 who nobody knew and he was the cool guy all the girls got with in Year 11. And he chose me. We dated for a month, the whole time with me wondering why he chose me out of all the girls he could have had. I never believed it was because he liked me, or because there was anything special or worthwhile about me. I loved it when he texted me and wanted to see me, but would worry incessantly every time he didn’t text me immediately after school – what if he had changed his mind? I know it sounds ridiculous but this is how insecure I was (and seem still to be…) Anyway, one day he did change his mind. The day after he had come round to my house and met my parents he texted me the dreaded ‘I need to talk to you’. I knew instantly and waited numbly for the blow which came shortly later – ‘I’m sorry, I like you, but I’m too busy for a girlfriend with exams blah blah blah’. Fine. Well, not fine really, I cried and spent the next few months wondering what I did, what was wrong with me, why didnt he like me, wondering if he would want me back – the day he text me saying he needed to talk to me my heart leapt – maybe this was it, maybe he wanted me back. Nope, it was just to inform me he was dating someone else.

With First Love, it was amazing, crazy, up and down, and heartbreaking when out of the blue he dumped me a few weeks after I had lost my virginity to him and he had told me he loved me. And now at University with M, J, A etc – it’s great, going well, they tell me nice things. I don’t believe them because I’m wary. Then I start to believe them because they tell me over and over. But I’m never confident that they like me – I get worried when they don’t text me first or seem a bit off. And every time without fail, my fears come true – either they go radio silent and leave me to infer the inevitable fact they are just not that interested (M, J) or I get the ‘I need to talk to you’ bull **** again. 

I guess it’s not surprising I’m a bit insecure and paranoid about people changing their minds when that’s all people seem to do. 

The point is though after this slight detour, is that I depend on guys liking me/telling me they like me, to feel good about myself. And that needs to change. My confidence and happiness should not depend on what some guy tells me. On a night out I should feel confident enough in myself not to need a guy’s attention. 

I realise that this seems attention seeking and needy (maybe it is) but it’s more about insecurity and the need for approval. Not just about appearance but in everyday things too – we all seek approval. It’s natural I suppose, but not when you depend on it to feel good about yourself. I don’t want my happiness and self confidence to depend on the opinions of guys – it has for too long. Quite frankly the guys aren’t even worth it! They are certainly no Greek Gods!

My life has been ruled by the opinions of others and I want that to stop. I want, I need, to become more self confident. Because quite frankly, it’s just a bit sad and pathetic – I’m a 19 year old who still feels the same insecurity and need for approval that she did aged 14. Putting it all in perspective with boy experiences through my teens has helped rationalise why I feel the way I do. Now I just need to work out how to banish the need for approval and become the self confident 19 year old I should be rather than the insecure, approval-needing 14 year old I feel like.

All or nothing

It’s such a shame that guys seem to be all in, or all out. So the thing with A ended about a week ago, and although we were only seeing each other for a short amount of time it was quite intense and we did become quite good friends. So it went from talking as really good friends, sharing things etc, to NOTHING. Not a text, not a ‘hey, how are you’ – NOTHING. I mean I get that it’s an awkward situation. But it makes it far, far more awkward to go from so much effort to nothing at all.

I was thinking earlier about the whole thing with A, as well as the things with M and J. I thought back to the times with A when he looked at me like he really cared, when he persuaded me to give things a go, when he told me how attractive he found me, what a lovely person I was and how cute some of the things I did were. I thought back to brief times with M when we went back and talked for hours in his room and he didn’t try anything on until the end when he kissed me, saying how it had been a long time coming. How when I told him it was fine if he was honest and just told me the reason he didn’t want anything was because he didn’t like me enough to try, and he cupped his hands around my face, looked into my eyes and kissed me, telling me it definitely wasn’t because of that. Times with J when he told me how seeing me with someone else made him jealous, seeing the look on his face when he asked about other people – the bitter, sickened, jealous kind of look. How he told me it was obvious he liked me.

Sitting there thinking back over all of these memories, flashing before my eyes and taking me instantly back to those moments, I realised something. After all of these (quite frankly) romantic disasters, I always blame myself. I think how stupid I was to believe these people, to believe them when they told me they liked me, to believe that they cared. But I’m not some crazy person who imagines things where there isn’t anything (well not most of the time anyway). Thinking back over the things A, M and J both did and said, the look in their eyes, the seeming sincerity has made me realise that I’m not crazy. I’m not hallucinating. What I believed was legitimate – they led me to believe they liked me. Maybe they did, maybe they were just good liars. But I wasn’t crazy, stupid or psycho to believe them. The real question is what I did/keep doing to make them change their minds. I’m not a full on person, I don’t ever really text someone unless they text me first for fear they don’t want to talk to me or I’m annoying them. 

So I suppose it’s vaguely comforting to know that these things weren’t completely in my head – I did have some grounds (quite legitimate grounds really) to believe that these people cared. But I guess that then raises the question of when you know if something is genuine or if it’s just going to be snuffed out faster than it started, before you have chance to blink. That’s the risk you unwillingly take – why? Because you have to if you’re the kind of person who wants to give things a go and know you tried something rather than be super cautious and end up alone and regretting never going on that date or kissing someone for fear of how it might end. I am guilty of getting swept away too quickly by people who then leave me high and dry but hey – hopefully one day I’ll be swept away by someone who will keep on sweeping and then choose to stay instead of gliding on by. And that hope is what keeps me going and makes it all worth it 🙂

If this was a movie.

But it’s not a movie. This is real life. There is no mandatory break up and then the glorious reconciliation. To put it blankly – he’s not going to come. In real life how often do people turn up at your door and declare how they were wrong, how they made a mistake, how they want you back? Almost never. Yet there is always that glimmer of hope, that ray of light fuelled by countless romantic movies where the ending promises happiness and forgiveness.

Reality is far less comforting. When something goes wrong, he won’t be begging at your door trying to fix it, he won’t magically know how hurt and upset you are and deliver your favourite flowers and chocolates. Reality is disappointing. Things change in the blink of an eye and you’re left stunned, yet still hopeful he will change his mind. He won’t.

He leads you on? Deal with it.
He cheats on you? Deal with it.
He doesn’t like you anymore? Deal with it.
He doesn’t want to be with you? Deal with it.

He is sure as hell not going to change his mind and turn up at your door praising your beauty and hailing your personality. The glimmer of hope remains in vain, stoically burning until its light is cruelly snuffed by the harsh winds of reality which bring the inevitable – he’s just not that into you and nothing is going to change that.

Coming to terms with that really does suck. It’s the hope which keeps us going – to acknowledge it is flickering in vain is a difficult step to take. But it is one which at some point must be taken in order to accept things and move on.

And here we are again.

So over a week ago, the randomness of A apparently liking me happened. And when he was saying all these nice thing to me – how lovely and attractive I was and how he liked me – I made the mistake I always seem to make. I believed him.

I still wasn’t sure how I felt about him as it was so out of the blue but over the next few days he came round to see me, texted me and made a real effort. We hung out and I started to really enjoy his company – he was laid-back, cute, funny and made me feel vaguely attractive again. After several days and nights of spending time together – he looked after me one night when I was really drunk, stayed with me to make sure I was okay – we slept together. I wanted to. I felt like I was more in control of this situation than with J or anyone else due to the effort he was putting in. I believed him. I knew he had just got out of a 2 and a half year relationship the previous month – knowing what this feels like I suppose I should have known I was playing with fire. But I was up for it being a more casual kind of thing – If  I was going to have a casual thing with anyone I’d rather it was someone really nice like A rather than a douchebag. We slept together twice but neither time did it go completely right. But he stayed over and we talked into the night and I began to believe that he did like me. 

He texted tonight asking if he could come over. We hadn’t seen each other in a few days which was weird, but I had put it down to work and the stress of exams. But no. He comes in and says those dreaded words – “I NEED TO TALK TO YOU”. Every inch of my being was yelling NO, please no. As I felt the walls rebuild around me, my mind numb, he delivered the blows. 

“I’m really sorry, but I’ve just got out of a really long intense relationship and before that I was with someone else for a long time too so I just really need to be alone for a long time. You’re such a lovely girl and I like you blah blah blah but I just feel like this is developing too quickly into something that’s not casual.”

Yes, it was – because of you. You led me on. I don’t think independently I’d have considered you, A, had you not been so persistent. I knew you had come out of a long relationship but you assured me I was not a rebound, that you liked me. But you persuaded me – you kept coming round, talking to me, persuading me it was a good idea, knocking down my excuses and fears with reasons why you and me were a good idea. 

Why? Why do that? Why bother?

What did I do wrong A? Deep down I do understand – I felt like I wanted to be alone after breaking up with Ex – that was the reason I ended things with L. But I wasn’t the pursuer, I didn’t persuade L that me and him was a good idea – I was always honest. It was fun with you though A – we got on really well, it gave me something to look forward to and I thought you felt the same. What changed from you persuading me, being so insistent on changing my mind about initially being shut down to you, to you calling the shots? I felt more in control, more secure than I had with anyone in a while. Silly me for ever allowing my walls to crumble so soon. 

I do appreciate that he came round to tell me honestly how he felt. I really do. I respect that. In comparison to M, who is his friend, he manned up and did the decent thing. But still. I was so carefree, so happy thinking how fun and nice it was to have someone who made the effort, someone who I could maybe have a more casual thing with and it wouldn’t get complicated or messy. It would just be fun and nice and would make me feel happy. Then BAM. I

Back to feeling inadequate, like there’s something wrong with me. Because A might have wanted me. He got me. Then he wasn’t so keen. Why? 😦 Even writing that makes me feel sad. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I don’t regret anything, especially not sleeping with him as I wanted to and it was fun, even if it didn’t go to plan. But I don’t usually do that – sleep with someone after like a week. The time I do it, it ends like this. Great. What am I meant to think? 

I hate the fact that now I’m going to see him around all the time, at mealtimes etc, with all his friends (including M) – I wonder what he told them. I wonder if they’re laughing. Poor, silly me. Thinks someone likes her, anticipates it going somewhere – not necessarily a full blown relationship but somewhere. Of course not. 

I hate feeling like this. And I hate the fact that I’ve become so accustomed to this feeling.